collection of notes and thoughts

please be careful as these thoughts may be triggering and are purely stream of consiousness.

sensitive topics will be touched on.


28/09/2020 - 14:21

i passed out in a restaraunt bathroom stall yesterday, because my body couldn't handle the strain of, like, food. it's shit. at least i got to sit by the sea for a while after.

college is a drag. i want to go home so i can rest. i can't do too much here. i feel like a fuckin' jane austin protagnoist or something, who can't do much less the faint. which is, uh, yeah. me.

it takes so much out of me to even get the bus. i have to go via town if i go home before the college buses run. in theory or if the stars align and i can catch all the buses on time it takes me about half an hour to get home. but mostly it takes two and a bit hours. the problem with underfunding a tourism centre's public services: the buses between the major towns only go from the bus station every fourty minutes. i miss the thirll of buses every ten minutes.

i did lino printing earlier, which was alright. it's messy and my hands stained red. like a fucking murderer. i don't think my art lecturer is that fond of me. his wife has cancer so we have to wear masks during the entirity of the hour and a half block.

i really just wanna go to sleep. i don't want to be sat here for another thirty minutes.


21/09/2020 - 13:58

twenty first night of september! < 3

to the one guy who actually uses they pronouns for me, i love you.

everything is so slow. september is nearly over but autumn isn't here yet. i'm going to buy those little tea lights so i can light my room up at night allowing me to read. adding spiritual pratices to my daily life as well. i can't do a lot of the ones i want to try, but tarot is cool!

i'd love some films sugestions. my wifi is shit so i can't watch stuff illegally and i don't have a dvd player but i have british netflix!


16/09/2020 - 11:28

my sleep schedule is majorly fucked up. i'm so tired during the day and awake at night so college is becoming a nightmare. i'm sick of coursework. it feels like all i'm doing. i just want it to be over with so i can finally sleep.

i got my friend to read over the section of my first draft i've completed. he said it was confusing but that's just motivating to be honest. it's written in like... interviews, articles reddit threads, tumblr posts, and a screenplay. i have a feeling it's going to be about 25k which will be the longest thing i've written. it's at like 10k at the moment and i'm still not even close to finished. can i get a whoop?


14/09/2020 - 11:16

i did the presentation and miraculously didn't cry. i did tell them about my friend that got paralysed by falling 20feet into the river when walking through the woods in lockdown though, which might have been a bad idea. aNYWAYS!-


13/09/2020 - 16:03

update on the loneliness front: i’m still homesick, but i’m not sure what “home” even constitutes other than an abstract thought.

i feel sick. my throat hurts more so than usual and my flare ups are getting worse. i think my college will get shut down but i'm not sure when, so the paranoia of having to return to online teaching is weighing over me. i cannot work like that.

i have an art presentation tomorrow. first thing. nine o'clock. i don't know what to say about my art, because there's not a lot of it in my book. i'll say something sad i guess. wait for the paint to dry and then read through. the pains of not being able to handwrite means i can't make notes for my presentation or write annotation on my work which i need to do and i'm not asking my mum. that's fucking humilitating.

the days are getting shorter. i'm glad of that. it's basically the witchy season now, which is good. most memories of my childhood are autumn; they're made up of early nights fog and rain, conkers, hymns, museums, and my granddad telling me stories of africa, hong kong, iraq as he cooks canned soup on the hob and i read with such a passion and thirst that i haven’t felt since i was eleven. i want to read a good book again.

i bought two donna tartt's earlier this week and i hope they're good. if it's just "dark academia" (aka white people jerking off at how intelligent they are for knowing about philosophy and classics in a university setting) i am gonna be deeply disappointed because they seem good. lots of buzz about them anyway.

this latest hyperfix is eating me alive, dude. i am full of thoughts and i cannot share. the group chat HATES, and that i truly mean, me going on about that fucking homophobic clown film. I DO NOT CONTROL THE HYPERFIX! I AM MEERLY THE MESSENGER. please. someone talk to me about it. i am losing braincells trying to be "normal" at school after spending months unabashidly being my queer self. i just... wanna talk about the bad clown film (2017).

i'm glad i'm hardly "on the web" anymore. my instagram has been inactive since march, my twitter even longer. it's quite freeing. one day i will delete myself of the internet and it will be with such satisfaction. i think that's the better thing for me to do, but just not yet.

also, i want you all to know that i love you. this journalling community on here is lovely, and my love and support goes out to you all. if you ever need anything from me you can email me @ emergancynervedamage@gmail.com and i will assist best i can. please be safe and know that i love you < 3.


07/09/2020 - 22:04

sorry for vanishing. i had a lot on my mind and didn't want to write it down. i thought it was too much.

had my first day back at college and i cried six times! :) mostly about not doing enough art and having panic attacks but also my friend thought i hated her because i forgot to text her back. i had to explain i didn't and i was just going through a lot and didn't want to talk. i think she accepted my apology but god knows i'm not going to sleep tonight.

i have not done enough art coursework and for that i shall scream. by not enough, i mean none. i don't think a-level art was the right choice but i've talked it out with my mum and i think - think is doing a lot of fucking legwork here lads - it is managable. i need to speak to my lecturer but how to i open that? "hey, i am starting my coursework again because i didn't do enough and the stuff i did was shit because i was sick and depressed." i don't think that will fly.

scared about covid again. my grandparents are living in a really high risk area and i want to see them again. it been the longest time ever i've spent without seeing my grandad. i use to see him everyday. probably should call but i hate talking on the phone.

i'm knackered, my love, so it's off to bed. i hope you're well and safe!! < 3


01/09/2020 - 12:26

fuck the american civil war. me and the homies all hate the american civil war.

i have to write a paper on the civil war which is shit because all my american history knowledge comes from my hamilton phase when i was twelve. it's 5k and due in december but i thought i'd get my first draft done for when i go back in. i go back on the... eighth? eighth or eleventh. i don't know. it doesn't matter. corona has ruined the education system here so it doesn't matter.

email'd my english lecturer. gonna try and get diagnoised via the school for neurodivergance or whatever the hell it is that's abnormal about me. at least whatever is wrong with me made me funny if nothing else. funny and sexy as fuck sdfghj

i bought a jumper last wednesday and have worn it ever day since while not removing the tag. it shows my worth. B)

missing my friends. i saw them in january last when i went back up home, and i never finished making any *actual* friends at college. maybe i did and didn't realise it but it sure as hell didn't feel like it. the only person i actually speak to is my exboyfriend. it's sad when your best friend is your ex lol.

anyway, i am a different person then pre-corona time. my character arc when a complete one eighty; i am more evil now >:3c. jokes aside, i don't think anyone i knew pre-corona is gonna like me anymore. i embraced all my weirdness and queerness becoming more annoying in the process. it's like... i hate talking to people but at the same time i crave attention. i just want someone to eat lunch with this year.

two trucks... holding... hands...

i hope you're doing well! everything is going a bit sideways here, but just know that i love and support you. thank you for taking an interest in me. it means a lot. i am a very lonely person so seeing people caring about me... yeah, it's nice. peace on earth < 3!!